Amazingly Funny Quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that
kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can
have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later
you have to start all over again.
Before I got married I had six theories
about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
My mom had a very difficult childhood. My childhood.
We hope that,
when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how
we took them along on all our picnics.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are
stupider than that.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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