Amazingly Funny Quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
caught saying.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-
Rodney Dangerfield
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-
Ronald Reagan
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that
kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
-
Robin Williams
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t
need it.
-
Bob Hope
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can
have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-
Agatha Christie
It
takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
-
George Burns
The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
-
Zach Galifianakis
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.
-
George
Burns
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later
you have to start all over again.
-
Joan Rivers
Before I got married I had six theories
about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
-
John
Wilmot, Earl of Rochester
My mom had a very difficult childhood. My childhood.
-
Cindy from
Marzahn
We hope that,
when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how
we took them along on all our picnics.
-
Bill Vaughan
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are
stupider than that.
-
George Carlin
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
-
Anonymous
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