Short and Funny Jokes! Fun Quotes

Best first: Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
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Mark Twain
    
 Funny quotes

Amazingly Funny Quotes

Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was caught saying.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
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Lawrence Ferlighetti
“You used so much oil the US want to invade the plate!”
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Gordon Ramsay (TV Chef)
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
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 George Burns
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
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Mark Twain
“Your secrets are safe with me because, chances are, I wasn’t even listening.”
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Bill Murray
“Do crabs think we walk sideways?”
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Bill Murray
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
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Albert Einstein

I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist.
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Gena Showalter
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
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Chris Rock
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
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Caroline Rhea
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Rodney Dangerfield
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
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Ellen DeGeneres
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
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Bill Murray

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
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Cathy Guisewite
“If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”
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Bill Murray
“I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.”
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Bill Murray
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
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Golda Meir
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Funny Quotes

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