Short and Funny Jokes! Fun Quotes

Best first: Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
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Anonymous
    
 Funny quotes

Amazingly Funny Quotes

Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was caught saying.

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk or running for office.
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Shirley MacLaine
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen; those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened. - Anonymous
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”

Bill Murray
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
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Anonymous
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Joan Rivers
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
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Mark RussellI
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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George Carlin
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
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Robert Benchley
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”

I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
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Anonymous
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”

Bill Murray
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
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G. K. Chesterton
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Lana Turner
People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
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Winnie the Pooh
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where Sandwiches live.”

Bill Murray
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.”

Bill Murray
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
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John Mayer
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Funny Quotes

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