Amazingly Funny Quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
caught saying.
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,
drunk or running for office.
-
Shirley MacLaine
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen;
those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened.
- Anonymous
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”
–
Bill Murray
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
-
Anonymous
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have
enough money, you can have a key made.
-
Joan Rivers
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
-
Mark RussellI
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I
accept.
-
George Carlin
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he
sings.
-
Robert Benchley
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
-
Anonymous
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people
who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”
–
Bill Murray
The Bible tells us to
love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because
generally they are the same people.
-
G. K. Chesterton
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-
Lana Turner
People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
-
Winnie the
Pooh
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where
Sandwiches live.”
–
Bill Murray
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole
bag.”
–
Bill Murray
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
-
John Mayer
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-
Rodney Dangerfield
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