Short and Funny Jokes! Funny Sayings

Best first: Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
 
 Funny sayings

Cool and Funny Sayings

Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart remarks for any occasion, witty wisdoms for fun and reflection.

 
  
Intelligence relentlessly rides in your wake - but you are faster.
The shortest horror story: Monday.
Good persuasion technique:

Come over to the dark side... we've got candy.
When you just want to be mean:
 
If I were you, I'd wish to be me!
Thank you, I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow creates a new hairdo for me every morning.
Need to defend a messy apartment?

We maintain an alternative lifestyle.
Problems at school?

Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!
How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her.

How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
What to say when nature calls in a polite but understanding society?

1. Pray excuse me, I have a stool appointment.

2. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing.

3. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of.

4. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure.

5. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown.

7. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer.

10. I'll be right back, I just have to quickly set free a good friend of mine.

12. Excuse me, I have to excrete.

What not to say when you get pulled over:

Police officer: Papers.

Driver: Scissors.
Some harsh morning reality:

The early bird dies of sleep deprivation.
4 bottles of bleach: $20.00. A coil of rope, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $45.00. 3 boxes of XXL bin liners: $10.00.
The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!
What would you, as an uninvolved party, say on the topic of intelligence? 
Tell me what you need from me and I'll tell you how to manage without it.
Don't share the host's music taste?:

"I believe they are actually using this music to keep the hobos from train stations."
A smooth break-up line:

There was a time when I would have given myself to you, now I'm not even willing to throw up in your direction.
If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

The weekend has landed:

Goodbye, social status and dignity. I'll see you Monday.
German saying:

Too long speeches lead to no actions.
A truth of life:

Only ever trust your own butt to always stand behind you!
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
Sunday early bird:

Why do you call so early? It is Sunday! 3 pm in the morning!!!
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Funny Sayings

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