Short and Funny Jokes! Hilarious Jokes

Best first: You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
    
 Hilarious Jokes

Hilarious Jokes  
Seriously good jokes!

A judge enters the court room and starts the proceedings, saying: „Before this process starts in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me $ 10,000 so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me $ 12,000 so I would rule in their favor. To make this case a fair one, I’m hereby returning $ 2,000 to the defendant.“
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”Two toothpicks are waiting at the traffic light when a hedgehog comes by. They look at him silently and then one toothpick says to the other, "Huh, so there's even buses..."
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!” “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “Give me MY money!”
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Jesus can walk on water, correct?
(Yes)
Well, I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So - I am 98% Jesus.
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
Arguing with men is fun, even if they win... they still lose.
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
What is the difference between a politician and an actor? An actor gets better scripts with more credible story-lines.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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