Amazingly Funny Quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning
Don't know where your kids are in the house?
Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife,
sharks for the wife’s mother.
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the
Friendship is like peeing on yourself:
everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
I intend to live forever. So far, so
a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
First the doctor told me
the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
When I die, I want to go
peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming
like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me,
she said ”no”.
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I
forget to puke.
Cindy from Marzahn
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
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