Short and Funny Jokes! Hilarious Jokes

Best first: You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
 Hilarious Jokes

Hilarious Jokes  
Seriously good jokes!

Make criminals pay, study to become a lawyer.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
H. L. Mencken

Teacher: “Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?”

Students: “Eggs!”

Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?”

Students: ”Bacon!”

Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”

Students: “Homework!”
When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend says she’s not hungry but ends up eating half of your food when you just order for yourself.
Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!
NO Harold!
Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Me: “No.”
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
I can only guess people with dark-tinted car windows must pick their noses much more aggressively than the rest of us.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
I would really like to beef up my self-esteem a bit, but I don't deserve it.
“Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!”

“But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!”

“It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!”
Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!” The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.”
What’s green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
“What do you find the most difficult thing on the piano?”
“To pay the installments.”
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