Short and Funny Marriage Jokes
“My wife kept insisting I do macrame.Finally I shouted, 'Knot again!'”
“What’s the matter with your wife? She looks all broken up.”
“She got a terrible shock.”
“How was it?”
“She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church and she took off her new $2 hat and somebody sold it for 30 cents.”
My wife went to the East Indies for her holidays. Jakarta? No, she went by plane.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it.
She keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to
have to let her in.
Why is it called the PMS?
Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
you’re not pregnant?”
A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live
longer than men who point it out.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl
dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and
she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark
Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
“Bath, Kitchen, Living room...”
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share
the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s
been sucking my blood for years.”
My wife and I had very happy twenty years. After that we met.
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor
comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes
home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my
spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents
Two friends meet. One says, “My husband got me a huge bouquet of roses
the other day. Now I'll have to spread my legs for two weeks.”
The other one
asks, bemused, “What, you don't have any vases?”
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? You marry it.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me
alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
“Shall we make a nice weekend for each other, honey?”
“Oh, that would
be lovely, Georgie!”
“Fantastic! Well, see you Monday.”
Why do they call it the
Because the man never gets to put a word in.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down…
Husband and Wife Jokes
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