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Amazingly Funny Quotes

Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was caught saying.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.

Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning

Don't know where your kids are in the house?
Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
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Margaret Mead

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
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Ken Dodd

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance–waiting for the bathroom.
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Bob Hope

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
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Robert Bloch

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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Woddy Allen
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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Oscar Wilde

“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“
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Bill Murray

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
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George Burns

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
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Claude Pepper

“EVERYBODY PANIC!”
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Will Ferell

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Steven Wright

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
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Robin Williams
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
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Steve Martin
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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Bob Monkhouse

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Emo Philips

A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ”no”.
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Woody Allen

I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
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Cindy from Marzahn

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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George Burns

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
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Henny Youngman

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