Funny Inspirational Quotes

Amazingly Funny Quotes

Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was caught saying.

The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner.
-
Czech proverb

I'm not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells
-
Richard Pryor

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
-
Socrates

We've had "cloning" in the South for years. It's called "cousins"
-
Robin Williams

“I didn’t give you the finger…you earned it.”
–
Bill Murray

He who laughs.....lasts.
-
Erma Bombeck

“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.”
–
Bill Murray

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
-
Franklin Jones

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-
Al McGuire

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
-
Billy Sunday

“Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it!”
-
Gordon Ramsay (TV Chef)

Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-
Greg King

“I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.”
–
Bill Murray

"I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night."
-
Bill Hicks

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