Amazingly Funny Quotes
Funny, witty, sarcastic, amazing - the best the cream of society came up with and was
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,
drunk or running for office.
There are three kinds of people in this world: those who make things happen;
those who watch things happen; and those who wonder what the hell happened.
“Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.”
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
People say money is not a key to happiness, but I always figured if you have
enough money, you can have a key made.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he
“Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children is enough.”
I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.
“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people
who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”
The Bible tells us to
love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because
generally they are the same people.
G. K. Chesterton
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
People say: "nothing is impossible", but I do nothing every day.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food, I don’t even know where
“Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole
I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon if you use it rapidly enough.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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