Short and Funny Jokes! Funny Sayings

Best first: We have nothing to fear. Except perhaps that strange guy over there.
 
 Funny sayings

Cool and Funny Sayings

Amusing sayings, humorous quotes, funny proverbs, phrases, slogans, smart remarks for any occasion, witty wisdoms for fun and reflection.
You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!
Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you recline on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
We have nothing to fear. Except perhaps that strange guy over there.
When someone is being stupid:

You should really start thinking about changing your dealer!
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no 'we' in chips.
If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.
It’s really hard doing nothing. How do you ever know that your job is finished?
I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
You say so much crap I could fertilize an entire field with it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours belongs in the Zoo.
I'm not lazy. I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
If at first you don’t succeed, hire somebody else to do it for you.

There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?
A bitter break-up line:

There was a time when I'd go to the end of the world with you. That still holds, except now I'd give you a shove once we got there.
Of all the dogs, Hot Dog is the most noble; it feeds the hand that bites it.
After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
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